


this odd diversity of misery and joy

by amilynholdo



Category: Hollywood (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29444817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amilynholdo/pseuds/amilynholdo
Summary: Avis offers Jeanne a special role, and it changes everything.
Relationships: Avis Amberg/Jeanne Crandall
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Valerie June's version of Mad About the Girl
> 
> None of this is going to be like. Historically accurate in the least, but like. The show already threw that out the window so like. My City Now.
> 
> Also I'm ignoring Dick's death cause honestly what was that.
> 
> Lastly, a warning: there is some light discussion of coercive relationships/sexual dynamics. Please do not read if you think that might affect you.

People tend to know about Jeanne and Ace now. Someone must have thought they had someone to gain by spreading the news after Ace died. Undermining Avis reputation, probably. So, people know. They don’t talk about it, of course, least of all in front of Avis. But she knows they know.

She can tell by the way they look at her when she eats lunch with Jeanne in the studio cafeteria. They think she’s an idiot: an oblivious idiot who doesn’t know she’s having lunch with her husband’s mistress, or a naïve idiot, who doesn’t mind. The thing is, though, people will find any reason to suspect a woman her age of idiocy. She’ll wear reading glasses, and people will start thinking she’s senile and incapable of running a studio. She’ll wear the kind of clothes that got her attention in her youth, but suddenly now there are men calling her names behind her back for it. And it’s the same men who loved the showy dresses when Avis was 20, too. Except they got afforded the luxury of growing old, and somehow still be around 20-year-olds. But we couldn’t have news of Avis’s gas station boys come out, or she’d lose her credibility.

They think Jeanne an idiot too, because she looks nice and smiles to people. They think she’s a talentless floozy who never managed to break into stardom, not even by fucking the boss. The truth is Jeanne has more talent than people give her credit for, it’s just she was never taken seriously, not until the Lee Miller picture. Not even by Ace. Avis knows the feeling. Jeanne is very smart, and quite funny about it too, and Avis has come to enjoy their lunchtime conversations, which have become an almost daily tradition. She keeps up with Avis, which is more than can be said about anyone in the studio’s entire lot, except maybe for Ellen and Dick.

The thing about Jeanne is that she is capable of a sweetness Avis never had in her. And it draws things out of Avis that she never thought she’d share with anyone. It’s been only a few months of shared lunches, it began when the Lee Miller picture was filming, and they kept meeting in the commissary. It’s not been a long time. Not a very long time at all. Yet Avis has already told this woman more about herself in the past couple of months then she has to anyone else in a lifetime.

She told Jeanne about meeting Ace when they were both young and hungry, and about how it felt to realise that he was going to be the one to feed them, and she would have had to settle for scraps. She told Jeanne about the years of loneliness. About the gas station boys – she really talked to Jeanne about the gas station boys, about the truth of it, not just the playful hints she’ll sometimes drop into conversations that are steering too perilously close to the ugly parts of it. And she talked about how she always felt inadequate as a mother, and now that Claire is suddenly willing to give her affection, most of the time she doesn’t know what to do with it.

Not once has Jeanne been fazed by any of this. She’s always taken it in as if it was the most natural thing in the world to have conversations like this. What does Avis know, maybe it is. What she knows is that it feels right. Jeanne always knows how to stop right before the conversation gets too heavy. For once in Avis’s life, none of this is one-sided. Jeanne tells Avis about growing up on a farm, wanting nothing more than to escape, but now she would do anything to go back to a time when days were corn-yellow and her parents were there with her. She tells Avis about her first time, when she was new to Hollywood, aged seventeen, and a director three decades older told her he would make her a star. She tells her about working on Lee Miller, and how different that is from anything she’d ever done before, how happy it makes her. ‘I’m finally getting what I came to Hollywood for,’ she says.

There is one confession that Avis treasures particularly. One day, Jeanne mentions having changed her name when she first moved here. Avis shouldn’t be surprised, it’s not like changing your name is a rare practice in Hollywood. What feels different here is the way Jeanne tells Avis her old name, leaning closer to her and whispering it, not with shame, but with a weight to it. ‘Laura Johnson,’ she says like a transgression. She scrunches her nose as she pronounces the last syllable.

Knowing Jeanne is changing Avis. _No._ Life is changing Avis. Knowing Jeanne is making it easier to deal with the change. The way she looks at Avis makes her feel like she’s really doing something good, and it’s a hard feeling to give up. This is a realisation Avis comes to suddenly, and against her will. After ‘Lee Miller’ comes out, Avis begins to hear through the grapevine that other studios may be courting Jeanne. The film didn’t get her the Oscar, but that doesn’t seem to stop the offers from coming. If anything, that attracts even more of them: all of the potential for an Academy Award, plus none of the hinderance of having just won one. Hollywood does love an underdog narrative, and ‘B movie actress reveals unexpected talent’ is one hell of a narrative, Avis knows it well.

 _Why_ Jeanne’s talent is ‘unexpected’, Avis couldn’t tell. It was always there, they simply never bothered to look, and now are patting themselves on the back for recognising it. But it was Avis who first saw it, and she feels protective about it. And she’ll be damned if she lets some random studio executive steal Jeanne from her.

* * *

‘There must have been a mistake. I found this in my trailer this morning.’

A script lands on Avis’ desk with a light thump. She looks up to its source and finds Jeanne, looking quite apprehensive. She smiles.

‘No mistake. I had it put there.’

Jeanne’s brow furrows into a look of puzzlement.

‘I don’t get it. What is this?’

Avis finally gives up on her work and stands up behind the desk. As she takes her reading glasses off, she feels Jeanne’s eyes on her.

‘Dick tells me you’re being courted by some MGM people. I don’t blame them, frankly. The Lee Miller picture is proof you’re a star, it’s no wonder you’d have contracts flying at you left and right by now. What this is, my dear, is the reason why you should say no to them.’

‘Avis, I’m so sorry, I can expl–’ Jeanne blurts out in a panicked voice.

‘And what do you have to be sorry for? This is not a punishment, it’s an offer.’

Jeanne’s whole demeanour changes after that. Her shoulders relax, and Avis thinks she can see her let out a small sigh. Avis gives her time to reassess what is going on. She crosses to the other side of her desk in what she hopes is a reassuring move.

‘I know MGM sounds appealing,’ Avis continues, ‘But have you given a thought to what kinds of roles they would have for you? Wealthy widows? Lonely spinsters? Mothers to men barely 10 years younger than yourself? I believe in you Jeanne. I believe you deserve more than that. So that’s what this is.’

Avis has barely finished speaking when she feels a pair of arms wrapping around her. God, Jeanne smells nice.

‘So, what do you say?’ She asks, struggling to let herself relax into the hug. ‘Have you given the script a read?’

Jeanne lets go of Avis, but continues to hold her hands in her own. Jeanne’s eyes are twinkling with tears and so, so blue. Her smile forms a halo of crinkles around them that make her look positively angelic.

‘It's wonderful.’


	2. Chapter 2

Jeanne sits alone in the studio cafeteria, knowing that her usual companion will soon join her for lunch. Avis and her have never officially decided to get lunch together, or even discussed it, really. They simply seem to meet here, same table, same-ish time, almost every day. It’s quite flattering, truly, that someone as busy as Avis would choose to spend time with her daily. And oh, Jeanne does look forward to it. She loves listening to Avis talk about the projects she’s most passionate about, or the ones that are driving her to madness the fastest. Usually, both of those are the same project.

Jeanne thinks Avis is a visionary. Not that she would admit this out loud to the visionary in question. After last year’s Oscar sweep, Hollywood has no shortage of flatterers letting Avis Amberg know just how brilliant she is. No, the way Jeanne feels most useful to Avis is by just listening, and giving honest opinions, the ones Avis won’t hear from other people. For some reason, she seems to have elected Jeanne as the confidante that she will take uncomfortable advice from, and Jeanne is proud that she can be that for her.

She’s really come to know Avis well in the past months. At first it was just movie talk, but now and then Avis will drop confessions about her life, then act like she never said anything. It makes Jeanne feel special. She’s never had a person that would trust her, and only her, like this. Jeanne collects these small truths like pearls, strings them together into a secret necklace, to be worn under your clothes and never shown to the world. The fact that Avis Amberg, the person Jeanne admires the most in her life, somehow decided to become this close to Jeanne, even after all of the history behind them, is well worth five minutes of waiting when said person is late for lunch. Even thirty minutes. Even when Jeanne really, _really_ has to go.

Avis walks into the cafeteria in a huff, and slings her fur-lined coat over the empty seat next to Jeanne. Somehow, she still manages to maintain an air of elegance while doing that. She sits down, and already finds a hot dish waiting for her.

‘I took the liberty to order your favourite’, explains Jeanne with a smile. ‘I figured you’d be in a hurry.’

‘Thanks, my dear,’ Avis replies, accompanied by a light touch of her hand on Jeanne’s arm. ‘I’m sorry for making you wait. Dick and Ellen drove me mad over a script today.’

Jeanne shakes her head. ‘No need to apologise. I have all the time in the world.’

Now, that last part is, technically, a lie. Jeanne is growing increasingly aware of how little of her lunch break she has left. She finds herself reluctant to giving up her time with Avis, though.

‘And what script is that?’

Avis finishes chewing on some beef, then looks up to Jeanne.

‘It’s yours, actually. The Sappho script.’

_Yours._ Jeanne likes that. And she likes that ‘her’ script is about Sappho.

(‘A sentimental epic bridging the divide between biopic and _sword-and-sandal_ ’ was the official pitch for it. Well, there was more sandal than sword in this one, but still. _Lyre-and-sandal? Could that work?_ Jeanne files this new definition away in her mind, just in case they need a more concise name for it at some point.)

‘What’s the trouble with it?’ Jeanne asks, all of a sudden fearing that whatever this is might halt the film from being made.

‘Ellen insists we should have a love interest written into it. She says adding a strapping young man to the cast will help attract female audiences. Dick says the actor should be older, more “age-appropriate” for our protagonist.’ She takes a sip of water, clearly wishing it was another kind of drink. ‘That would be you,’ she adds. She shares an eyeroll with Jeanne in a conspiratorial manner. ‘Can you believe? I love the pair of them, I really do,’ she says, waving her fork around dangerously, ‘but sometimes this whole “healthy creative environment” thing can truly suck the life out of you. I miss the days when I could just tell them to shut up or I’d fire them, and they had no Oscars to dangle over my head.’

Jeanne finds a fond amusement in watching Avis get so caught up in this sort of issue.

‘I see,’ she says, having eaten the last of her lunch. ‘And what do you think about that?’

Avis furrows her brow, suddenly taking on a contemplative demeanour that very seldom tempers her fieriness.

‘Frankly, I’m against having a man in it at all. I don’t see why she needs a love interest. I mean, we’ve made _Meg_. We’ve made even riskier films after that. So why should we still be tied to this archaic idea that a woman needs a man?’

Jeanne nods.

Avis asks her: ‘You agree?’

Jeanne pauses for a moment, to find the best way to phrase what she means to say. She knows it might be tricky advice for Avis to consider, but she’s always found honesty to be the best and most productive route between them.

‘I agree.’ She begins. ‘I don’t think this film needs a man. But she is known for the sentimental intensity of her poetry. I do think she needs a love interest.’

For once, Avis looks like she is struggling to keep up with Jeanne.

‘But you said we shouldn’t write in a male character? How does she get a love interest if–’ She stops abruptly.

‘It could be a woman…’ Jeanne offers, tentatively. She looks at Avis’s face across the table, and she is overcome by a need to justify herself, if anything to fill the silence. ‘I mean, think of it… Sappho…’ She feels herself grow more and more unsure as she goes on. ‘She’s the origin of the word, right? So it would make sen–‘

‘Really?’ Avis cuts her off. She doesn’t seem angry, more… surprised? But then her face opens up into a smile, the one she wears when she’s finally cracked a problem. ‘That’s genius. Keep the romance element in, but no men.’ Then, she paces herself, and looks to Jeanne with concerned eyes. ‘You’re sure you would be alright with playing that?’

‘I’m sure.’ And she is.

‘You’ve seen what happens to projects like this,’ Avis says, with concern in her voice. ‘I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into.’

It is considerate of Avis to ask, but Jeanne won’t leave space for doubt.

‘I know,’ she states in no uncertain terms. ‘I don’t mind. This is quite… personal to me.’

Avis raises an eyebrow. Jeanne feels herself blush, but she feels emboldened by Avis’s good reaction to her suggestion for the film.

‘Before Ace,’ she begins, in a charged tone that she hopes will convey what she means to say about the man – that she never could bring herself to love him, not in ten whole years, ‘there were only women.’ Then, more shyly, she adds: ‘And after…’

Avis says nothing. She simply nods, but her eyes carry a kind look.

‘Sometimes even during...’ Jeanne finally adds with a giggle.

Avis’ look turns into one of knowing. She shoots Jeanne a guess.

‘Tallulah?’ ‘Tallulah.’ They say, almost at the same time.

Then Avis lets out a laugh, diffusing the tension.

‘Alright,’ she concludes once she regains seriousness. ‘Ace Pictures is making the first film about two women in love. No big deal.’

The way she says it, it sounds like it _is_ a big deal. And it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! Feel free to leave a comment if you're liking this! Also tho like. Remember im writing this for fun and for free and in a language that is not mine so like. remember to be kind about it please.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! I have all chapters of this written already, an will be posting one of them each day for the next few days, so look out for that if you are interested! And do let me know if you are enjoying this in the comments, that's always appreciated!


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